


Before Giving Up

by NanakiBH



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Awkward Romance, M/M, Melancholy, Post-Canon, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-27
Updated: 2015-01-27
Packaged: 2018-03-09 09:08:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3244106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanakiBH/pseuds/NanakiBH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knew that he wasn't going to catch him, so maybe it was best to finally give up the chase.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before Giving Up

**Author's Note:**

> Got inspired by a yuxuki waga song and here we are now. I think I like making Tsukiyama miserable a little too much.

It seemed like there was nowhere left for them to go. In this story of theirs, Kaneki had helped them finally reach the conclusion they had always been looking for. In the end, as though they all felt the same thing, their eyes went to Kaneki, and they waited to see what step he would take next. Without a word spoken among them, it was clear that they all wanted to continue to follow him, to remain by the side of the one who had united them.

To their disappointment, feeling their expectations, he simply shrugged and shook his head with that whimsical sort of smile of his and said that he had no plans. He hadn't expected to make it that far. He treaded through every fragile day with heavy steps and hoped that he would make it to the next without life shattering beneath his feet. He thanked them, though. Were it not for them, he said, he was sure that he wouldn't have been able to make it. Of course, he couldn't even say that much without dismissing their praise, insisting that they were just as responsible as he was.

But they all knew. They wouldn't feel so strongly about him if he weren't the one. Even the ones who didn't like each other had stuck it out together because they believed in him.

Everyone had their own ending; all but a few.

Among them remained Tsukiyama; less naïve but still just as indecisive.

He wanted to stay with him. More than any of them, he believed, he wanted to stay by his side. He knew that there were others who wanted the same, who may beat him to the punchline if he didn't act quickly enough, but a part of him still hesitated. Now that they were at the end, he couldn’t stop himself from looking back, from looking at all of the things he had done to him and put him through up until that point, and it made him wonder whether he was even worthy of being in his presence.

After all of that, was he even allowed to want to be with him? He couldn't claim ignorance as an excuse for his actions.

He still wanted him – more than ever, perhaps. He was still just a selfish person, but, if there were one thing he wanted more than Kaneki himself, it was to see him happy.

Although it hurt to look, tightly twisting his heart, he could see the way that Kaneki looked at her. Even he would admit that she had become a lovely person.

If he wanted to prove to himself that he'd learned something, he wondered if it would be best to relinquish that selfish wish. From the moment he realized his feelings, a bitter part of him had already acknowledged that it was never meant to be granted. Now, if he wanted to guarantee that Kaneki smile every day, then maybe... Maybe it was time for him to accept his place in Kaneki's story and quietly retreat into the background, holding what pleasant and tender memories he had before they could be tainted.

So he made up his mind.

This would be the last.

He wasn't going to chase after him any longer. There wasn't any point now. He had no intentions of eating him, and he knew that he wasn't the person who Kaneki would choose, so. There really wasn't a point in hanging on any longer.

Just thinking about it, it made him laugh. Before, he never would have lived with letting someone else have him. He really must have grown.

That didn't make it hurt less, though. Trying to cut off his feelings felt like trying to cut off a physical piece of him, except he only wished it could be that easy. Ghouls healed quickly, after all. If he could slice them off as easily as any other part of him, he could've been done with it already. Any longer any he was just going to end up embarrassing himself, so it had to be done, no matter how badly it hurt.

This would be the last time he visited the café, hoping to see him. Whether he saw him there or not didn't matter. He didn't need to tell him anything. His part was done now, so he intended to leave the stage quietly, gracefully, preserving what dignity he had remaining. It was just going to be him and his coffee with the comforting pages of a book, there to hold his hand if he couldn't find the courage. Yes, like so many times in the past, the books on his shelves would return to being his only friends. Though many of the others seemed alright with him now, he couldn't imagine showing himself if he couldn't be at Kaneki's side.

Not yet, anyway. It would probably be a while before he'd feel comfortable walking on his own.

At the little café, he sat in his usual seat near the window, keeping his eyes on the street, watching the people as they passed. He'd only been there for about half an hour. That was nothing compared to how long he would normally wait. Usually, Kaneki would arrive around noon, but if he didn't show up, Tsukiyama would remain, patiently waiting for him, the man he honored as his master. They'd get mad at him for staying so long, but they couldn't say a thing once Kaneki was there; didn't want to make a scene.

With each second that passed, Tsukiyama could feel her eyes on him, and a cold feeling sunk into his chest. It was a feeling full of finality. He wasn't meant to be there anymore.

As if she could sense the mood, she hadn't said a word to him. She brought him his coffee and returned to the other customers, leaving him alone, like she knew. She didn't have to bother with him this time. As long as she ignored him, he'd be gone in no time.

He couldn't focus on the book he brought with him. The pages that once offered an escape weren't enough to suffice now that his eyes were open. It was too difficult to slip into another world when the one before him was so real and intimidating.

If he let himself say anything to him, he felt like he had to apologize. While everyone else seemed satisfied with the way things had turned out, he was feeling more nervous than ever, living with an uncertain future that looked lonely and felt like nothing but a dead end. He wished that he could be happy. He wished that he could feel more grateful.

Unable to distract himself, with the minutes accumulating, leading him ever toward the last page of his hopeless love story, he felt himself slipping deeper and deeper into misery. All the things he felt during their three years of separation returned to him and made him feel like he should've stayed in bed that morning instead. At least then, if he kept his head under the covers, he could've gone back to ignoring the world around him. Even that was hard, but it still hurt less than extinguishing the flame with his own hands.

It was already after noon. If he were going to come, he would have. It was rare that Kaneki came any later.

For his own sake, he felt like he had to get up and leave, but something kept him tied to his seat; indecision, maybe. His old selfishness was returning, little by little. He didn't want to be that way, knew that it wasn't right for him to think of Kaneki as something that should belong to him and no one else, but he couldn't help it. He wasn't a child stubbornly clinging to a toy he wanted. Kaneki meant something to him, and he held something irreplaceable that Tsukiyama feared he would never find again. He was rare for so many more reasons than he initially thought, and the thought of letting him slip out of his grasp was more painful than anything.

He tried to remind himself that his decision had already been made. When he woke up that morning, he made a promise to himself. If he could break it that easily... Then he really couldn't be more disappointed in himself. If he let go of his resolve and continued to hopelessly chase after him, then he really hadn't learned anything.

But what was he supposed to do?

He couldn't think of anything else. He knew that he had to be a truly pathetic person if he thought he couldn't live without him, but. Here he was. It was the same thing that kept him tied to his bed for three years, unable to move on.

He needed him, but he had to give up. He had to find another way to live. The only thing that waited for him at the end of this road was an even greater pain, so this was for the best. It was better to forfeit before he dragged himself through the ground in a competition he had no hope of winning.

Just as he was about to close his book, having made up his mind, the chimes above the door jingled together with the bright sound that always roused his heart. Like always, he looked up hopefully. Like always, his heart leapt when he saw him walk through the door. Though, he wasn't the only one to be excited by his presence. The moment she noticed him, he saw the way her face lit up, how happy she was to see him as she fixed her hair and hurried to greet him.

This was what he hated.

Seeing the way they cheerfully greeted each other, he made up his mind this time.

Allowing himself a few more moments of hesitation, he waited silently, watching as Kaneki was seated at one of the tables on the other side of the café. After they talked for a few minutes, she handed him a menu and left him for a while. As Kaneki's looked it over, his eyes occasionally lifted, meeting his from across the room. When Kaneki looked at him, he didn't seem suspicious of him the way that he used to; a friendly warmth in them instead that made Tsukiyama's heart want something it couldn't have. To protect himself, Tsukiyama willfully pulled his eyes away and tried to return to the words of the book in front of him, but he still couldn't distract himself with it, knowing that Kaneki was probably still watching him.

Without a plan in mind, his body moved on its own, and he found himself rising from his chair. Feeling Kaneki's eyes still on him, he left his book open on the table with his half-full cup of coffee next to it and began walking toward the other side of the room. When he reached his table, Kaneki set down the menu and looked up at him with a smile that he didn't deserve.

Thinking quickly, he remembered that he should apologize to him.

Yet, when he opened his mouth, something else came out. Stupidly, he asked him whether he planned to try one of the new specials. Reminding himself that this might be the last time he would see him, he let himself indulge in the sound of Kaneki's laugh as he dismissed the suggestion that he might try anything other than the coffee.

It felt so nice just to talk to him. He really couldn't blame her.

Maybe that was why, with that thought in mind, his mouth moved before his brain had the time to tell him that he was making a mistake.

“Kaneki-kun,” he said, mustering his usual charm. For one second, he hesitated. That might've been enough time for him to rethink things, but it didn't stop him. “Would you like to go on a date with me?”

The world around him felt a little dark. He couldn't feel his legs anymore, but he commanded his body to stay.

Kaneki, rightfully, looked surprised by his question. He looked away timidly, smiling shyly, and scratched at his cheek. Placing one hand over the other on top of the table, he looked up at him, glancing aside here and there, and quietly asked something that could've stopped Tsukiyama's heart.

“A real one this time?”

Tsukiyama was serious. No matter how bad of an idea it was, he was serious and he was still just as stupidly hopeful. So he nodded, wordless and numb.

“Okay,” Kaneki said, picking up the menu, using it to hide his face.

His ears hadn't deceived him, and he knew that Kaneki wouldn't tease him about something like that now, but it was still hard to believe.

Excusing himself, he pulled out the chair across from Kaneki, sat down heavily, rested his elbows on the table, and put his face in his hands. With real concern in his voice, Kaneki asked him if he were alright, and Tsukiyama just held up a hand, silently asking him to give him a moment. It was going to take him more than a moment to fully process what just happened, so he forced himself to look back up. Taking in the expression on Kaneki's face, he determined that he was being serious with him. He just...

“Are you sure?” he asked. “With me? Am I really... alright?”

Lifting a hand to politely cover his mouth, Kaneki laughed, waving his other hand at him. “What are you talking about, Tsukiyama-san? I'm the one who's honored. I knew how you felt, and... Honestly, I was just waiting. If it's a serious date you're asking for, then I'm really happy. I know that you have your flaws now, but you're still more than I could ask for.”

Hearing that, Tsukiyama couldn't tell him. He couldn't admit that he had planned to leave the café that day and never return, never to see him ever again.

There was still a chance for him. It wasn't over yet.

He felt like he was going to cry.

“T-Tsukiyama-san?” Kaneki asked, concerned when he saw his shoulders shaking. “Are you alright? D... Do you want to have a coffee with me?”

Sucking in a breath, Tsukiyama sat up, shaking his head. “It's fine, I still-” He took a quick glance back at his table where his coffee sat next to his open book. Though he didn't want to leave his seat, he excused himself for a moment and quickly retrieved the things he left at his table. It made him feel rude to stay at Kaneki's table when he hadn't been invited, but Kaneki wasn't telling him to leave, either.

He received a suspicious glance when Kaneki placed his order, but nothing more came of it. They didn't say much to each other after that, but Tsukiyama could feel a nervous sort of excitement coming from the one across from him. The rest of their time in the café was spent quietly. While Kaneki opened the book he brought and began to read, Tsukiyama attempted to return to his own, but he found it hard to focus on any of the words, his eyes skipping around the page, his heart beating fast with elation.

When he finished the last of his coffee, he took another look at Kaneki. Just like this, quiet, comfortable in each other's presence, he hoped that they could stay. He wanted to stay. Afraid of letting that feeling fly away from him, he wanted to stay there with him forever. It was a little unbelievable after he had just spent so much time thinking that he should give up and walk away for good, but that just made him realize even more how important that feeling was to him.

His heart ached, just knowing that it had narrowly avoided something tragic by mere coincidence.

Before Kaneki finished his coffee, Tsukiyama stood and collected his things. With the promise to meet again soon, he let his eyes linger on Kaneki's for a little longer, feeling their warmth, and left the café.

Rather than feeling like he was leaving something behind, he walked away feeling happy, knowing that there was something ahead of him.


End file.
